My great escape from the ward wasn't what I hoped it would be.
Maybe I had a bug, maybe the three antibiotics I'm on interacted or maybe my body hates me and wants to ruin the good times in my life, but friday I woke up to get x to school and then fell asleep from 9 to 3pm only to shower, dress for the rehearsal dinner, eat a snack, and take my am meds only to then break into a sweat, throw up, call nic to cancel, devise a back up plan, throw up again, and pass out.
When I woke up hours later I cried, again.
These feelings about what I lose or miss due to my disease do not get easier. Each unique situation gets its own grieving session.
Emotions aren't something you can gain immunity to.
My feelings are just as upsetting and devastating as the very first time I missed something: maggie's wedding, daisy's baby shower, x's first concert and basketball practice.
My mind or my heart doesn't care a similar situation has happened before and therefore I am more powerful and prepared to deal with this one.
Palliative care says this is normal. It's not a sign of abnormal grieving or difficulty coping with my disease.
I don't know if this brings me solace. I'm really not so interested in being "normal," unless that includes being healthy, then I am there.
I'm pissed I missed out on nicole's glow, big smile, jeff's sweats, and my free prime rib but its all okay as long as long as I'm here to celebrate anniversaries and baby showers.
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