Baldies' Blog began originally in the UK by a 26 year old journalist with a blood cancer on a mission to inform the world about bone marrow donation.

He has since died, and I took on the cause of making cancer care more transparent for everybody.

Cancer is a disease that will touch everybody through diagnosis or affiliation: 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed and 1 in 3 woman will hear those words, "You Have Cancer."

I invite you to read how I feel along my journey and
how I am continuing to live a full life alongside my Hodgkin's lymphoma, with me controlling my cancer, not my cancer controlling me.

I hope that "Baldies' Blog" will prepare you to handle whatever life sends you, but especially if it's the message, "You Have Cancer."

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Sunday, November 30, 2008

I suck at Life

I thought, again, I should show what I specifically hide from everybody.
It’s one of those days.
If you think you’ve had a bad day, I’ll go head to head with you and prove mine is worse.
Let’s play a game and see whose life sucks the most.
Again, I’ll win. I suck at life.
I don’t even want to hang out with myself.
Maybe you think you know about this, but unless you’ve been sick like me, you have no idea.
I am at home. I was discharged last Saturday. I don’t know if I was clear on that.
I’m going for a CT of my sinuses tomorrow since nobody can seem to find a cause for my nasty cough.
My lungs are CLEAR. My labs are FABULOUS.
But the cough is nasty and I’m done with it!
I want it gone PRONTO. Fixing it yesterday would have been good.
I sound like my grandfather did when he was dying of lung cancer.
At least what I spit up is just yellowish/tannish/green. It is not pints of blood like pepere.
His example was enough to make me a lifelong NON-SMOKER.
I’m still carcinogenic. I’m toxic.
I’m not talking figuratively. I really am.
I have been told I have an “addictive personality,” and that’s NOT psyche speak.
Anyway, I’ve reached THAT point in recovery.
The point which I want out of my house. I’d actually really like out of my life.
These are my complaints: I’m in pain. I ache. I can’t stop coughing. My head hurts. I don’t have energy. I woke up at 7am and crawled back into bed at 9am. That is where I’m staying.
I don’t like to complain. Did what I just said help anybody?
I don’t think so.
I also feel like a boy. I’ve got my hoodie and my baggy pants on. My comfort clothes. When I wore these in High school I thought I was posting a clear sign: Don’t look, don’t touch, my body is mine.
Jon informed me that this idea backfired. Guys only look harder and use their imagination.
Their imagination?! This is horrible news. Honesty is not always the best policy Jon.
Now, I feel like a boy with my short hair and baggy clothes. Can anyone still really tell I’m female?
To make things worse, I’m all hormonally wrong. I’m a twenty-six year old menopausal woman. This started at 24 years old.
I’ve lost my femininity. Thank goodness I know who I am or I could have one big identity crisis.
Jamie Lee Curtis is genetically male. She was born as a hermaphrodite, and her chosen sex was female. Her genes say she is male.
I don’t know what I think about this, except she is decent looking.
I’m done having my crisis. I’m going to take a shower. Drink some Tussionex. Watch some Gray’s Anatomy and sleep. Just like a cancer vixen should.


Anonymous said...

Hey Hillary, Aunt Lysa here, I understand today is not a good day for you and you are frustrated!!! That's OK, you have the right to say everything you did and to feel angry with having to deal with all this BUT never forget God only dishes out what he KNOWS we can handle and boy are you going to be one heck of a STRONG lady once all is said and done.

Every day is a challenge and for all of us we never know what our challenge will be, some are much more difficult than others but nonetheless challenges. Just look at me today - I finally figured out how to send or post a comment to you. Now, this may sound little to many out there but to me this is huge (lol) :) I have been reading your blog for sometime and have tried to email you from here previously but could not get it to go thru.

Bottomline here is never stop trying for one day it will all be worth it. And, if for some reason this does not send properly, I will keep trying.

Anyway babe, tomorrow I hope will bring you some answers regarding your cough. In the meantime, should your chin hit the floor and you need help picking it up please reach out to all of us and say "help me today" because that's what family and friends are for. No one likes tripping and falling down but sometimes it just happens and when it does remember to reach out your hand, because you need to know there will be someone reaching back to help you up again and again, this is your time but don't worry once you are well and strong again I know you will be there as well for someone else when it's their time to say "please help me today."

We love you, Aunt Lysa & Uncle Dave.

Anonymous said...

We're with you today Hill ... pretty clear that things are challenging for you at the moment, but as your Aunt said above ... never stop trying ... beating this horrible disease is worth it. Good luck today ... my thoughts will be with you.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there and know that some stranger, me, is praying for you.

I have witnessed cancer in both grandmothers, my mother, an aunt, and stepsister. We are 3 for 5, so there is hope.

You are never as alone as you feel...